Who is Conrad Wang?
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Figure 1: One of the attending orthopaedic surgeons
at the Peking Union Medical College Hospital (right) points
out radiographic features of a case to Conrad Wang, M.D.,
one of the new Harvard Orthopaedic residents. |
| Conrad Wang was born
on a remote scottish sheep somewhere outside Dusseldorf. He
describes himself for tax purposes (and tax porpoises) as
self employed, but in reality he works a thirteen hour day
in a sweatshop in Sandakan. His favourite hobbies include
ocelot ruffling, dog worrying and 15th century ceramics. His
musical tastes are unknown due to his intense secrecy, however
strains of Beethoven, Joe Dulce and Jose Feliciano have been
heard emanating from his hovel outside Clapham. Perhaps
Conrad's most noteable acheivement to date, and no doubt
the one he will be best remembered for is his single handed
crossing of the Southern Ocean on an amphibious ottoman,
for which he won a Royal Geographical Society Gold medal,
and the title of 'Git'. For the record I would like to add
that certain salacious rumours circulating the media at
present, which cast doubt on Mr Wang's propriety are sheer
nonsense. I know for a fact that no cod liver oil was involved
and that the Archbishop of the Diocese of Southwark was
unharmed in the incident. |
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Conrad Wang, now
there's a name I've not heard in a long, long time.
To tell the tale of Conrad Wang, we have to journey back in
time to the first Chinese nuclear tests.
H.G Wells may have said "...And these atomic bombs which
science burst upon the world that night were strange even
to the men who used them." But he obviously hadn't asked
Conrad Wang for his opinions on the subject.
Conrad Wang was born in the quiet village of Chengdu in 1907,
the only child of "Po Yin Wang" a respectable donkey
brothel owner. Though some of his teachers thought him amazingly
stupid and utterly rubbish at everything, little Wang showed
an interest in explosions from an early age.
His first attempts to blow up one of his father's donkey whores
resulted in a mass poisoning of the village, and the legacy
can still be seen to this day, with many babies being born
with the head of goats and frogs legs instead of knees.
The Wang family were forced to leave the village, as the other
occupants blamed little Wang for their mutant children, so
they set off to start afresh in Peking. But not before a mischievous
little Wang had set fire to the oldest woman in the village,
and danced round her while she burnt singing "Angel"
by Robbie Williams. This was strange because Robbie did not
actually exist at the time, perhaps this is the first example
of Wang's genius.
About 10 years later, once the family had settled in Peking,
Wang became heavily involved in stealing children to use as
incendiary devices. It was during this period when he came
to the attention of a young Mau se Tung, who, knowing a good
thing when he saw one, conscripted Wang into his blossoming
"Communist Party".
The next years of Wang's life remain a mystery, not a trace
of his existence could be gleamed until 1963, when he was
photographed at a top secret Nuclear installation, inserting
the biggest bomb he could find there into his arsehole.
The years of messing about with radiation had taken there
tole on Wang. In the last years of his life he took to wearing
contact lenses and lipstick to try and hide the horrible green
colour he had turned. This photo was taken the day before
his death, in a rare interview, Conrad Wang states; "The
best bombs are the ones that incinerate small animals."
Sadly, his incredible life came to an abrupt end on the 30th
October 1971. Police were called to his cramped apartment
by his neighbours, who during the night had heard some sort
of commotion, and a terrible smell, coming from inside.
He was found in bed, a huge grin on his green face, with his
feet sticking out his arse. It seems Wang had managed to crawl
inside his own colon and had attempted to climb all the way
up to his brain. Why he tried this is not clear, some scientists
believe that Wang had discovered the secret of eternal flatulence,
others just dismiss him as an idealist with green skin.
Whatever your opinion on the man, you can't help but admire
his shapely ankles.
Conrad Wang 1904 - 1971. |
>1. where he was
born
A: Upon a flight between N.Y & the U.K. He has duel nationality
>2. occupation
A: Ex-Pro Football player turned Playwrite/virtual Artist
>3. His favourite hobbies
A: Cleptomainia: he finds it challenging
Collecting dead armadillo Shells
Memorising Zip codes
>4. favourite band/music
A: Only ever plays the beatles
>5. what is his most famous achievement?
A: Scoring 15 consecutive field goals for the minisotta Magpies
in
the sugar bowl play offs in 1974. Escaping from a locked barrel
beneath a parked monster truck...for a 10 dollar bet
>6. anything else you'd like to add
A: On weekends he becomes a she at the local comedy club |
| Conrad Wang was born in darkest
Peckham.
He was a travelling salesman but has now taken up guerilla
hairdressing for the Lebanese Liberation Front.
His favourite hobbies are flower arranging and origami.
His favourite band is Rolf Harris but he is also partial
to a bit of Billy Ray Cyrus when the mood suits him.\
his most famous acheivement is to climb the empire state
building with his tongue.
In my opinion, conrad Wang should be be voted Man of the
Centuray and king of the Universe. Bloody nice bloke although
he could do with a bath once in a while. |
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